Dipping my toe

Hello.

It's me.

I've been wondering if after all this time you'd like to read.

I'd go over everything, but I think that would take way more time than I have today, so instead I'll just send out a little hey to my quiet little blog.

Here are the things on my mind:

Parenting teens
Our nation's struggle to open our doors to those who need us. Why is this an issue? I'm very confused. They need a safe place to build a life. Why can't we offer it?
Fat pants
Should I eat that gingersnap dipped in white chocolate left over from the party last night?
The church's latest policy on children of gay couples
Why aren't we having any snow? Is it global warming? The universe telling me I should not buy my kids snowboots because last year they didn't need them either?
Hamilton
Why I can't go see Hamilton (sold out for forever. And also in NYC, not SLC.)
The chances that I will figure out how to get my kids skiing this year
Amblyopia
Teaching
Should I take a nap?

The answer to that last question is yes.

I apparently need a little public venting space

I just want to express my disappointment with being 43.

I want to express my disappointment that unless I eat quite a bit less than 1200 calories a day, I gain weight.

I want to express my disappointment that while I understand intellectually that at 43, I am not supposed to look like a 21 year old, I live in a place where most of the women do. Is it right that most of the moms here wear clothes that are smaller than a size 6? I guess it is right, since that is how it is, but why do they all have to be so cute and well-dressed and teeny? (What is worse is that I adore them and love them and think they are super fun. And they are also super teeny. And super awesome. And super teeny.)

I want to express my disappointment in myself that even though I read wonderful, life affirming things about self acceptance and loving ourselves where we are and not comparing ourselves to others, and even though I try to write in my gratitude journal as many times a week as I remember to sit down and do it, I still hate that I am too chubby for all of my clothes except for my fat pants: the "skinny" jeans that I have worn so often that the thighs are threadbare and about to burst. And even the fat pants are getting a little snug.

I want to express my disappointment that I feel like mourning the lack of food in my life when I am trying to be good and that I feel so much self loathing when I give in to cravings.

I want to express my disappointment that I am 43 and STILL HAVING ISSUES WITH ALL OF THIS GARBAGE. Because obviously I am too old for it. And should be too wise for it. But am somehow not.

Are these my two options now?

Number one: accepting my pleasantly plump self and enjoying food and buying clothes in bigger sizes?

Or number two: accepting that any foods besides vegetables, (limited (!)) fruits (WHY DO FRUITS EVEN HAVE TO BE LIMITED!!!!!????? AGE, you SUCK!), and lean proteins and I will never be truly good friends again so that I can regain my wardrobe? Because these fat pants are on their last legs (literally) and my drawer is full of pants that say "You were just wearing me last spring. Stop eating cookies."

I hate that this is on my mind all the time. I would like to solve world hunger issues or write my pretty little picture posts or read a good book (but then I would have to admit to my dilemma about how guilty I feel when I read a book now. Because of wasting time. Sigh.) There is much room in my head apparently for healthier thoughts. (Maybe I should sleep more so I can be more happy. Except that's another problem: I know I should sleep more, but I never, ever, ever, ever do.)

The only thing that makes me feel the littlest bit better is that I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in my frustrations. If anyone has really figured out how to live life happily and peacefully and be able to get rid of these judging voices in your head, pass on your wisdom. I could use it. Because I really don't know if the right thing is to learn self control or to choose acceptance. Shouldn't I be more in control? But shouldn't it be ok to eat a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread?

(Plus a cookie?)

1-17-2015 (One of those braggy posts. I apologize in advance)

My kids chose to go to the opera on a Saturday night. With each other. And had interesting things to say about it afterwards. (And looked SO CUTE.) (Sorry. I got carried away.)

1-16-2015 (Tiger! Tiger!)

Benno went to a really awesome circus party for a good friend from school and came back as a really awesome tiger, who hung out with us for the next 24 hours.

1-15-2015 (My husband is happy)

I got my car washed.

1-14-2015 (Black and white = happy)

I made a New Year's deal with my students. If I don't meet my practice goal every week, I pay anyone who beat my actual practice time $5 cold, hard cash.

It's so amazing how much motivation that gives me.

And so sad that it takes motivation to get me to the keyboard.

Because once I'm there, it's just SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO awesome.

I'm working on two Liszt transcriptions of Schubert songs, Beethoven, Ravel, Rachmaninoff, and Bach. And that's all. Except technique, improv, and sightreading.

Yes, I need to narrow it down, but it's all so dang fun. So maybe I'll just keep practicing too many pieces and enjoy myself every minute.

1-12-2015 (Don't look at this, Sophie)

My teenage daughter loves me dearly but does not love me posting pictures of her without her prior permission. She is not likely to give permission for this one, but it warms my Mama heart. Seriously. Is anything cuter than my girls harmonizing during Family Night? The answer is baby pandas. But other than that (and, well, puppies,) Sophie and Kate and a guitar get my vote.

If I was REALLY brave (and stupid,) I would post a video of them singing. Because that beats pandas, puppies, otters, AND kittens. But I value my life, so you will have to just imagine.

1-10-2015 (Goodbye, Christmas)

 

I'm ashamed to admit that it took some manipulation on my part, but I convinced the family to put away Christmas. I helped. I really did. But I was pretty lame at it.

 

I love how David can Tetris together the Christmas boxes in the empty area in our storage room. He has a gift.

1-9-2015 (Me and my pharmaceuticals)

 

Sigh.

 

For a girl who likes to avoid medical intervention whenever possible, this picture is hard to take. But thank goodness for medical intervention being available. I'm now working with stretching exercises that have been recommended to me. All is not fully better, but all is MUCH better. And I'm drug free. Well. Mostly. Ha. Pain pill, steroid, and muscle relaxant free, anyway, and that's good enough.

1-7-2015 (The view from down here)

And now it gets interesting, folks. (Well, not really. It just gets stupid.)

My feet are up on pillows on my bed. And why? Because my back has decided it doesn't want to support my spine appropriately. Or something like that. And after I taught my morning piano lessons and drove my kids to school, my sciatica decided to make my life a bit of a living hell. OK. Not a bit of a living hell. A fiery, all-encompassing, demons and pitchforks hell.

Was that a little dramatic?

I know. But this was a very bad day. I was so glad no one was home because back pain makes me into a bit of a whiner. OK. Not a bit of a whiner. A screaming, weeping, freaking out, crazy lady who just wants the pain to stop.

Luckily I found my muscle relaxants left over from the back disaster of October and by late that night, I wasn't screaming anymore, which was a good thing.

1-5-2015 (Because Legos)

Legos rule.

1-4-2015 (Goodbye, Christmas break)

It was so fun to have Josh at home for three weeks. I thought it was harder to have him go back to school after Christmas break than it was for him to go in the first place. Here, he and Ben are doing another science experiment.

 

And although we all loved Christmas break so very, very much, there definitely were times that all of the unscheduled time together ended up having a slightly negative effect.

Picture of the Day 1-3-2015 (Oh, yes, this is really happening)

So that we are all clear here...

When I said Picture of the Day, I certainly didn't mean a picture for every day.

(Yes, I did.)

And I certainly didn't intend to post more frequently than once a month.

(Yes, I did.)

Now that we've got that out of the way...

January 3, 2015. It was a nice day. As far as I can remember, anyway, now that it is February 3.

Kate let me trim her hair. This took much persuasion, as everyone in the Greenhouse seems to remember this occasion. I do not have photographic evidence of the homerun I hit, but suffice it to say that there's a chance she just might let me do it again. She only let me take off a couple of inches. This hair. It's just so mermaid, I can't handle it.

 

Later that night, Kate had her friend Sophie over to finish their school geography board game.

 

And of course there were cookies. Because why wouldn't there be?

Picture of the Day 1-1-2015 (You know you were hoping!)

Today, Ben discovered the Pictures of the Day from 2010, and was beyond thrilled to see himself in picture after picture after picture. One of the side effects of being the youngest child is not seeing yourself in family pictures before your birth, and poor Ben has looked at many, many family videos and scrapbooks without a sign of himself. He loved seeing evidence of his important place in our family, and I loved watching him discover this importance. While looking at the blog posts with him, I decided that those tiny details of life were well worth recording for seven year old Ben and for 43 year old me and for all of us in between. So...I'm starting again.

 

 

It's fitting, then, that I start with a picture starring Ben. He got a book of science experiments for Christmas and has loved doing them. This experiment involved seeing how many heavy books could be supported by four half eggshells (seven). I love his curiosity. And his questions. He asks so so many questions. One of the questions he asks the most is, "Am I asking too many questions?" My answer is always, "There's no such thing as too many questions, Benno."