The truth is, I chose my path at the end of September. And I'm sticking with it.
The thing that has distracted me lately? Doubt. Plain and simple. Doubt in my abilities. Doubt that the inspiration I had six months ago (and many times since) still holds true. Doubt that I can manage to keep juggling all the responsibilities in my life while adding still more.
But this is what I know: doubt and its best friend, fear, are no allies of mine.
After all, I never thought I was a remarkable pianist. I knew before I started out that I have much (oh, so much) to learn. So should I be surprised that I've had a couple of rocky performances? No. I should have expected it!
And balancing motherhood with music-making? I've done it all my life. David is fully supportive. The kids are fine with it. Why am I doubting that I will put first things first? My family will always be my number one priority. But I can still practice and make lunches. I can study and take my kids to their lessons. I can prepare a syllabus and help them finish their homework. I can attend concerts and go on dates with David. It's not either/or.
Am I going to be overwhelmed at times? Yes. That's nothing new. There's even a chance that I work best and am happiest when I face a mental challenge. And I KNOW I'm happier when I'm practicing.
If I get inspiration that my once-right choice is now wrong for me, I'll grieve, wonder why, and move on. I have no desire to force my own agenda if it's not correct. But I'm peaceful about this, excited about it, and ready to sacrifice the unnecessary things in my life to have enough time to practice, to love my kids and husband, and to do what needs to be done.
One more thing: I made my piano blog private. If you'd like an invite, send me your email address.