Sunday, March 27, 2011

Path Chosen

Sometimes I think too much.

The truth is, I chose my path at the end of September.  And I'm sticking with it. 

The thing that has distracted me lately?  Doubt.  Plain and simple.  Doubt in my abilities.  Doubt that the inspiration I had six months ago (and many times since) still holds true.  Doubt that I can manage to keep juggling all the responsibilities in my life while adding still more.

But this is what I know: doubt and its best friend, fear, are no allies of mine.

After all, I never thought I was a remarkable pianist.  I knew before I started out that I have much (oh, so much) to learn.  So should I be surprised that I've had a couple of rocky performances?  No.  I should have expected it!

And balancing motherhood with music-making?  I've done it all my life.  David is fully supportive.  The kids are fine with it.  Why am I doubting that I will put first things first?  My family will always be my number one priority.  But I can still practice and make lunches.  I can study and take my kids to their lessons.  I can prepare a syllabus and help them finish their homework.  I can attend concerts and go on dates with David.  It's not either/or.

Am I going to be overwhelmed at times?  Yes.  That's nothing new.  There's even a chance that I work best and am happiest when I face a mental challenge.  And I KNOW I'm happier when I'm practicing.

If I get inspiration that my once-right choice is now wrong for me, I'll grieve, wonder why, and move on.  I have no desire to force my own agenda if it's not correct.  But I'm peaceful about this, excited about it, and ready to sacrifice the unnecessary things in my life to have enough time to practice, to love my kids and husband, and to do what needs to be done.

One more thing:  I made my piano blog private.  If you'd like an invite, send me your email address.

12 comments:

Danielle said...

I was reading a conference talk this morning about how doubt and discouragement are the antithesis to faith. I have faith in you, Kerri.

Kelly said...

I'm happy for you! I want so much for you to feel peace! I look up to you more than you'll ever know, and I'm glad you share openly the challenges you go through! You always inspire me!

Liz said...

Ahhh...won't I ever learn to sign my sister out! :)

Michelle said...

I'm sure you've read Elder Holland's talk-- "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence."? If not, go read it now and give yourself a pat on the back for following what you know is right. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.

Kerri said...

Michelle, I know it well and love it. It's been instrumental in getting me this far.

Thanks everybody for being so tolerant of me! I am so blessed with wonderful friends and family.

Lara said...

I love this post and I love the one before it. I can relate SO WELL! Some days I hate how much I am teaching because I just want to be a SAHM and enjoy my kids and time to do...stuff. But what would I do? Teaching really does fill a purpose, and I really think that it helps stave off depression I am prone to have otherwise. You go girl. (And I'd love an invite to your piano blog, although I haven't been the best blog checker of late...I think you have my email but it's lalakme at gmail dot com.

Gaylene said...

Pure insoirations, though you may not think so. I so look up to uyou as well. I just wish I had half your energy! Love you!

Holly said...

I think you're a great pianist. No time to doubt now because you have way too much practicing to do. I'll be in SLC in June for a concert. Need to perform for someone?

Kacy said...

I want you to be a musician. Good luck.

Tracy said...

I have always thought of you as amazing, and I only know you through a computer! Stick with your dreams Kerri! I believe in you!

Lisa said...

I admire you for setting such a worthwhile goal for yourself... particularly since this is such a busy stage of life spent caring for your family. Good for you!

Playing the piano has always been the center of music interests in our family. I imagine it sounds fabulous to be in your home these days!

Amber said...

Doubt and fear..my constant companions that I would love to kick to the curb. You do it, Kerri. Show them who's boss!