October...where did you go? I just took a look back at my blogging history and found that since the beginning of The Greenhouse, I have never before gone an entire month without posting. And there it went. Poof. October 2011 will never be seen again.
And what a month it was...the month of my 40th birthday.
In honor of me, because I'm always all about me, I'm going to do one of those lists we used to see float around blogdom. I kind of liked the junior high-ness of the tagging. It was fun to be popular enough to be tagged! Loved it! So maybe I'll bring us all back to the good old days of blogging (2007 style, woot!), and tag some of you to do the same thing on your blog. No, you're not lucky enough to be 40 (most of you), but you do have 100 interesting things to say about yourself. You know you do, and you've just been looking for an excuse to tell us all. Now you have it! And if I don't tag you, you can pretend I did (since I would if I knew you wanted me to.) I'm tagging Sarah, Danielle, Malisa, Christina, Ash, Bri, Ananda, Sarah, Amber, Megan. And like I said, whoever else.
Which brings me to #1:
1. I have a nearly pathological fear of leaving people out of anything.
2. I'm eating cinnamon sugar pumpkin seeds right now. And they're pretty good, for pumpkin seeds. Since they're sugar coated and all that.
3. I still think my old neighborhood is close to perfection.
4. I love my new neighborhood now, too, and think it's filled with fantastic people,
5. but I wish it was more walkable (schools, shops, parks, etc.)
6. I don't read as many books as I used to.
7. Approaching 40 was worse than actually turning 40.
8. I put away my scale for a couple of months because my sister-in-law told me I was crazy to weigh myself every day. I stepped on it again yesterday and I was 3 pounds heavier than I was two months ago. Guess that didn't work.
9. I'm still amazed that my kids have grown up so quickly. It wouldn't be so shocking if I didn't remember being 15 quite so vividly.
10. I wonder sometimes if I should like music that is more appropriate for my age. Does it bother Vampire Weekend that I like to dance in the kitchen to Run while I make meatloaf? It probably should.
11. Along those lines, Sophie is pretty sure my only job in life is to embarrass her. It may not bother Vampire Weekend that I like to dance in the kitchen to Run, but it certainly mortifies my daughter. As does my kissing her father, singing, laughing loudly, or anything that isn't quiet and calm. (Love you, darling! Smmmoooooch.)
12. I love the Book of Mormon very very much. Also the New Testament. And I'm learning a lot from the Old Testament, too, but I haven't fallen in love with it as much as the other two. D&C and PofGP, I like you too.
13. I absolutely believe in personal revelation.
14. I love my church and the people (imperfect though we all are) who make up my church family. I have had times that my faith has been challenged, but I have never left my church home, and I find that my faith returns when I spend enough time communing with my Heavenly Father.
15. I'm sad that I didn't get into the DMA program, but glad I didn't get into the DMA program. I'm a wee bit conflicted and pretty sure I don't see the whole picture yet, but trying to trust the plan.
16. I've got more issues with my performance nerves now than I did a year ago. I don't wonder why.
17. I've learned that even the strongest pain scabs over eventually unless you continue to poke at the wound. Sometimes it's OK to poke at the wound, but most of the time it's OK to allow it to continue to heal.
18. I think adulterers suck.
19. I know I should hate the sin and love the sinner, but I still think adulterers suck. I'm working on that. And maybe I should qualify that to say adulterers who have no remorse suck.
20. Being married for 20 years teaches you a lot.
21. And yes, marriage is worth the risk, the pain, the vulnerability, the sacrifice. (And no, for the record, David is completely loyal. Totally and fully. I spoke of other husbands.)
22. For my 40th birthday, David threw me a surprise party. Then he stole me away the next day for a surprise weekend in Cedar City (Shakespeare Festival! Fall colors! National parks! No children!) David is pretty amazing. He really pulled out all the stops, and now I'm feeling nervous for his 50th (most of a decade away, mind you) because he set the decade birthday standard ridiculously high.
23. I am losing my motivation to run. I think I need to sign up for a race. But I'm not motivated. So I don't. So I'm less motivated.
24. I still love running trails.
25. I miss Tally sometimes. But I don't ever miss cleaning up after Tally. That sometimes makes me feel guilty. And sometimes it makes me feel relieved.
26. Sometimes I don't dream anymore because I worry that my dreams will be dashed.
27. That's not healthy, so I decided I'm going to start a bucket list, even though I think "Bucket List" is a cheesy term to use.
28. I love fall. Also spring. Also summer. Also winter. This year I think I liked summer the best. But maybe the fall has come in a super close second. In fact, maybe it won.
29. I have a hard time making decisions.
30. I spend an inordinate amount of time choosing what to order at restaurants, but I'm almost always totally happy with my decision.
31. It's hard for me when people are easily offended. I would like to think most people are doing their best most of the time and so we should give them the benefit of the doubt. That needs to apply to the way I feel about people who are easily offended, too, so I'd better work at that.
32. I'm good at some things (accompanying, being interested in people, giving church lessons.)
33. I'm bad at some things (packing, staying on task, keeping my house organized.)
34. I'm average at most things (can't list everything else, now can I?)
35. I have a temper, but I've learned to control it most of the time. When I don't, it's ugly.
36. I love to eat.
37. I love healthy food.
38. I also love unhealthy food.
39. Finding 100 things to say about myself is taking a long time.
40. That's how old I am now.
41. I know everyone says it as they get older, but I really don't feel 40. I look it, and that shocks me every time I look in the mirror. I assume I will feel this way at every age milestone. My grandma says it still surprises her, so I suppose it's just human nature.
42. I love writing, but it's not something I'm great at. I used to want to write a book, but I'm not sure I'll ever spend the time working on writing enough to be good at it. I think I'd rather practice.
43. I feel the same about photography, but not even as much as writing. I used to dream about being a really good photographer, but again, I'd rather practice.
44. I feel guilty when I practice and something else should be done.
45. Something else should always be done, so I feel guilty whenever I practice.
46. Also, I feel guilty when I don't practice.
47. Pretty much I have a problem with guilt. And time management.
48. I'm a night person.
49. I'm teaching lessons at 6:15 in the morning, so I have to pretend I'm not a night person.
50. My mom is one of my heroes.
51. I love my mother-in-law. She is amazing and she loves me.
52. The more I get to know most people, the more I love them.
53. MOST people.
54. I get all riled up about politics, but I mostly don't know why we can't all get along. I have strong feelings, but I can be mostly rational and kind. Why can't everyone? I don't think you're stupid if you disagree with me. I just think that you disagree with me because you have a different opinion than me. And I'm not stupid, just because I voted for our current president. In fact, I can show you my ACT score if you wonder.
55. I got a pretty high ACT score.
56. I love running before dawn and watching the light touch the top of the mountains, slowly illuminating the sky.
57. Running when it's pitch dark and no light ever touches the top of the mountains just makes me feel like I'm up too darned early.
58. I'm up too darned early almost every day.
59. My ideal schedule would be to go to sleep around 12 and to get up around 7:30. That sounds heavenly. I won't be doing that until after my youngest is done with high school. So 14 more years. Oh well.
60. Choosing what to make for dinner is hard for me.
61. One of my worst traits is that I have a hard time following through with things.
62. If I could be better at following through with things, I'd love to figure out how to make a big difference in the world.
63. Among the other things I feel guilty about is not doing more with my time or resources in order to make a big difference in the world.
64. I have no idea why you've made it this far reading about me.
65. I love lots of music, but I really love early 20th century piano music. I'm not a freak about 12-tone or super atonal stuff. I can tolerate it and enjoy it, but I love love love Barber, Prokofiev, Ginastera, Ravel, Mompou, de Falla and later stuff like Rzewski.
66. I also love Bach and Scarlatti.
67. I also love Chopin, but he's less of a crush and more like someone I'm married to...a beautiful, safe part of the fabric of my music world.
68. It's pretty safe to say that my very favorite piece of all time is the 2nd movement of the Ravel G Major Piano Concerto. I'd link to it, but none of the YouTube performances are phenomenal.
69. Another favorite is Bach's Goldberg Variations.
70. I haven't performed either.
71. I don't know why. Oh, except there aren't a lot of orchestras lying around waiting for me to play Ravel with them. If you find one, let me know. I'll be all over it.
72. Haven't been to Europe yet and I'm sad about it.
73. I know that quote about children being a mother's travel, her gems, her riches, etc, and that doesn't even make me feel bad. I want to go to Europe AND be a mother.
74. My kids do a pretty darned good job at being kids.
75. Sometimes I expect my kids to do a perfect job at being kids. That's about as fair as expecting myself to do a perfect job at being a mother.
76. I like vacations.
77. I don't like coming home after vacations.
78. I love long conversations.
79. I love feeling the Spirit.
80. I have some amazing, true friends.
81. That saying, "You can do anything you want; you just can't do everything you want"? It makes me mad. It's mostly true, of course, (except that I never could have been an Olympic basketball player) but I want to be able to do everything I want.
82. I think I'll make my blog private one day.
83. I think I'll go back to taking a picture a day as our family history. If I feel like it, I'll make another blog for them. I think it's a great, quick way of keeping track of what happened in our lives.
84. I've lived in Utah longer than I lived in California.
85. I have a wonderful extended family.
86. I can let things sit in a pile longer than I should. Exhibit A: laundry room.
87. David has become very patient with my weaknesses. Exhibit B: mudroom.
88. Marriage is best when we are very patient with the other's weaknesses.
89. Marriage is also best when you go on dates and weekend getaways.
90. I really really do love that Ravel. I've been listening to different versions of it ever since I wrote #68. The best one on YouTube isn't a video and you have to turn it up high, but it's Martha Argerich and I love her. Listen to it if you want to hear pure gorgeousness and feel a little melancholy all at the same time. It always makes me feel like weeping a little, in a good way. (A recording of Krystian Zimerman is on YouTube, too, and is also lovely.)
91. I love alone time. I also love people time. Sometimes I don't love children time. Children are not always rational human beings.
92. But I love my children deeply. They are fascinating people. They are so individual, so distinct, and so interesting to be around. So even though I sometimes want to send them to their rooms for an entire day, I'm still always glad they're my kids.
93. Except when they fight for two weeks straight at the beginning of summer. Then I wonder what I was thinking, having four children.
94. I wish I were like some people who always seem to enjoy parenting. I always love my children, but I don't always love parenting.
95. Being a mother, though? It's exactly what I want to be, even if it's hard hard work. There are precious, beautiful moments scattered through every day that remind me of its eternal significance. And there's not much better than watching a child recognize truth, or reach some of her potential, or touch another person's life through his kindness.
96. The hard things are why we're here. The beautiful things are why we're here. If we try to skip the hard and think we only deserve the fun and the beautiful, we miss out on what we're really supposed to be learning. Muscles grow by being broken. So do we.
97. I've been broken.
98. I've been made strong.
99. I assume this cycle will occur over and over for the rest of my life.
100. The rest of my life will be however old I am when I die minus 40. That might be 50. It might not. Whatever it is, it will be an adventure.