Typical. It's nearly 10 days into the new year and I just can't decide whether or not I should be setting goals.
For the record, I set a goodly number to paper. And then when I read them later, my breath caught in my chest and I thought "Look at all these things you still haven't gotten right, and let's face it...it's not going to change in 2013."
That's never a good way to start a year.
So I set them aside, gained back the three pounds I'd already lost, and here I am.
A friend came over this morning to help me take down some of our Christmas decorations (because it is Jan. 9 and it is (was) all still up) (because that is how 2013 is going for me) and she asked how I was doing and I didn't lie. I told her that it's HARD and it seems to be getting HARDER and why can't I get a grip on the household organizing or the finances or my weight or my exercising or my calling or my PTA responsibility or my teaching or my family?
And she listened, and took more ornaments off the tree, and told me that I'm trying hard and that I'm good enough and that I should really crumble up that list of resolutions and just accept that it's a messy life and I'm living it in my messy way, and that that doesn't make me bad. It just makes me human. And normal.
It went a long way to relaxing my tight chest, that talk. So did pulling out the Christmas tree, throwing it on the snowy curb, and vacuuming up the needles.
And now I can think about resolutions in a way that doesn't feel like exposing my failures, my short-comings. So maybe now I want to actually try a couple of things. And this is what I think they are.
I think it's time to run again as part of my normal routine. I think it's time to take deep breaths, be on my trail, make my running friends suffer through my currently ridiculous pace while we solve the world's problems, and maybe even run a race or two.
And maybe I'd like to write more.
And maybe I'll even start practicing again. Maybe.
And maybe not. Because whether or not I do any of these things, I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel like it's still worth getting up in the morning for myself and those I love the most. Maybe that's my main resolution: to love and be loved, and know that that is more important than zipping up size 4 jeans.
So I'll pretend I didn't write the 40 item resolution list that included "No library fines" and "Do 2012 memory books for each kid and the family" and "Get to 125." Because that stuff is just plain crazy.