Feeling Grateful

It's come back! I'm feeling grateful again! Isn't that lovely?

I'm not sure what's been going on in my head over the last month and a half, only that it hasn't been pretty. It wasn't flowers and sunshine in there, friends. It was more like when you leave chili in the fridge and it gets pushed to the back and you forget it's there and a month later you find it and see that it's growing. Yeah, my thoughts have been like that. Festering. Not lovely. (Actually, month-old broccoli is worse than month-old chili.) (And yes, I have recently cleaned out my fridge. How did you guess?)

So my fridge and my brain are newly cleaned, and it feels good.

Here's the key. (Spiritual stuff alert. Click away if you hate spiritual stuff.)

Saturday I had to run 10 miles. I'm still determined to run my 1000 miles in 2009, but my determination has slipped Big Time. It's just so much harder to run without my running partners. It's so much harder to get up when I don't really like running uphill for the first mile. It's so much harder to run with a brain full of rotting chili. So thank goodness I've had the goal, even if I've been cursing myself for making that goal back in the rosy beginning of the year.

I didn't want to run. I couldn't find all my gear. It was very late in the day and I hate running late in the day. I was mean to one of my children for losing something I needed for the run. Something was blocking me, trying to keep me from that run.

But I did it anyway. I drove down to the Legacy Parkway Trail because I figured I needed the easiest possible route since my brain was in such bad shape (not to mention my sluggish body. Yikes. I have NOT recovered from the marathon.) I listened to music for a while, and then I turned on a talk by Camille Fronk Olson (Spiritual Strength in Challenging Times.) (Yes. I am a nerd who sometimes listens to church talks while I run. Now you know. My cover is blown.)

Long story short...there was something in there that I needed desperately to hear. It taught me a truth about myself and about my relationship to God that I'd forgotten, or perhaps that had never sunk in. The truth? I am an unprofitable servant. That's the human state. Somehow, I'd started feeling that if I worked harder, did more, acted better, was less of a consumer, got out of debt, had more self-control, didn't yell, ate perfectly, lost those last 5 (OK, 10) pounds, got enough sleep, were less selfish, you NAME it, that I would be who I am supposed to be, that I would be good enough. But since somehow I could never get there, I really wasn't good enough.

But there's the kicker...No matter how much I tried or how hard I worked, I'd still be an unprofitable servant. That sounds negative, but it's not. It's so freeing. What it means is that all of us are not good enough on our own, but through the grace of Christ, we are made good enough to do what He needs us to do.

I know. Elementary Christianity. But STILL...I'd yet again missed the practical application somehow. The practical application is that I turn my heart to God and let Him know I'm willing to do what he asks of me (even if it includes moving to a new place and being happy once there), and then trust Him. Find joy in the process. Forget myself and my weaknesses in doing His business.

It's a much happier way to live. I am reminded daily that He is in charge, and that He can help me overcome my weaknesses, when and if he wants me to. Do I wish I were perfect? Oh my, yes. I'm tired of fighting some of these same battles year after year after year.

But I can still be an instrument in His hands, imperfect as I am.

I'll try to remember that more resonantly this week.