What I Wished I'd Known

With Baby Celia's arrival, and the impending arrival of Kurt & Ash's baby, I've been remembering those joy-filled, exhausted, worried, awe-struck, painful months as a first-time mother. It would be nice (OK, and a little weird) to be able to go back in time to give myself some advice. (Would I take advice from myself? I don't generally take it well from anyone else...)

So here are some of the things I'd tell my nervous, thrilled, overwhelmed self:

In pregnancy:

Regardless of what you read in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect the First Year," the baby will not be damaged beyond repair if you eat things made from white flour. And sugar...it's OK, too. Really.

Stretch marks don't really fade and they don't really go away. They're there forever. Accept them as a badge of honor. Plus, are you honestly going to be wearing a bikini anytime soon with that scar on your back? (Another story.)

Your weight will come off just fine. Don't stress about eating yet another shake. But after this pregnancy, honey, all bets are off, and you should have cottage cheese, not ice cream.

After the baby comes:

Don't leave the baby near the edge of the bed, because he'll become suddenly mobile and fall off, sending you to the doctor's office where you'll have to let the doctor fill out forms which say you really didn't drop him on purpose.

It's OK to call Nurseline three times the first week of his life. They won't laugh at you when you ask if it's normal that his heart rate is so high or whether or not it's bad that you can't wake him up to eat. Well, they might laugh at the waking him up call, but it will be a kind, gentle, reassuring laugh. Call the experts whenever you want if it makes you worry less.

Breastfeeding will be horrible for at least 5-7 weeks. Ignore people who tell you it's because your latch is wrong. It's because you have red hair and the whitest skin known to man. You lost that genetic lottery. (Do talk to a lactation specialist, though, just to be sure...a bad latch is a bad thing.) Eventually everything will work out great. Stay up on your pain meds until then.

Pacifiers? Yeah, another time to ignore "What to Expect the First Year." They will save your life.

Don't go back to work after three weeks. Just don't do it. Please. It will save you so much stress.

And in general:

Relax. You're all going to make it through.

Don't judge other people. You can try to judge based on how their parenting works (by their fruits ye shall know them), but a lot of the time, you'll be wrong anyway. Remember, all kids are different. Just because you swore you'd never have a picky eater doesn't mean that he won't come hardwired to eat only four things. Oh, and it's going to be YOUR second child who kicks, hits, and bites, so don't judge the other kids in nursery (or their parents).

Don't judge, and relax, but BE CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!!!! Set rules and follow through. Every time. (And then again, pick your battles. You can't win everything.)

Turn off the TV.

Except, you're going to have bad days. Some days will last an eternity, and you'll be sure you're doing everything wrong. This too shall pass. On these days, turn ON the TV and just plan to get through the day the best way you can.

Get enough sleep. Even if the house doesn't get clean, even if you don't make a hot dinner for three days. Get enough sleep. Everyone around you will thank you, and you'll thank yourself.

Find great, dear, amazing, supportive, non-judging friends.

Love your husband and take care of him. Let him know what you need, too. And remind him that eventually baby days end and you'll be normal again.

Don't worry about giving up some of your individuality, the things you do best. (This is controversial, I know.) It's OK for a while to let go of some things to make sure that you don't miss the important things. You'll have time to be that person again. (I PROMISE you will.) But if you find yourself sinking, don't forget who you are at the core. Play some music. Read your old journals. Remind yourself that you're a mother, but you're also who you were before you had a baby, only deeper, more tuned in to life's truths. Oh, and more tired.

That would be a good beginning to a conversation, I'm sure...too bad I had to muddle through without the help.