Sunday, September 26, 2010

One Year

Saturday morning, I woke early.  I didn't intend to run.  We had to be ready to leave for a lacrosse tournament at 7:30, and I couldn't get in my planned 10 miles before then, so I thought I'd sleep in(ish) for a change.  But something nudged me awake.  I looked at the clock, groaned, and closed my eyes.  I felt the gentle push again, looked at the clock again, and figured even if I couldn't manage 10, I could run up the mountain and back down.

I grabbed my iPod on the way out.  While climbing the hill, I listened to a talk on prayer and promptings of the spirit which talked about the miraculous rescue of a young man when his parents felt inspired to pray for him at a moment of great danger.  I thought about Brent.  I cried.  I felt the reassurance of the spirit that while he was not rescued from his moment of great danger, that he had been at that very moment in the hands of a loving Father and that we were too.  I took the pain of it and gave it back to Heavenly Father, filing it in the "I don't understand fully" file.

I reached the trail, and despite the barely brightening sky, decided to turn onto it instead of continuing on the street.  The path was still, the sun began to glimmer over the mountains, and the lights of the valley shone under my feet.  I stopped at my turning point, breathing in pure beauty.

Something rose in me.  "Think for a minute," it said.  I thought.  And then I was washed with peace.  As joy bubbled up, I remembered the date.  September 25, the anniversary of our move.  And I knew, in one gorgeous moment of grace, that all I've experienced this year, all the pain, all the turmoil, all the questions, all the searching, and all the growth, was sanctified for my good.  I wept again, recognizing that all of it has worked together to put me in a new place, not just physically but spiritually.  I have a new heart.  And with the new heart, I've been gifted a new vision for my life.

I don't know why my path has been stony and hard to follow for so long, but it's lying smooth and straight ahead of me now.  And I am grateful.  I am so so grateful.

7 comments:

Tracy said...

Kerri, this is beautiful. It made me cry. Thanks a lot, I just did my makeup. :) Truly a wonderful spiritual experience. So glad you shared. It strengthened me.

Natalie said...

Awesome. I am glad you got to run and get the clarity that comes with it. I wish I could join you!! Funny, my RS lesson on Sunday was titled "All Things Work Together for Good" and was from April 2010 General Conference. Maybe we both needed that, eh?

Liz said...

One YEAR??? Seriously! Time has flown, well except when it hasn't, but you've made it! What an awesome experience to have when you were running! So good to visit last night!

Michelle said...

oh, I love this.

Lara said...

This was amazing to read. I'm happy that you are in this place now.

And I think it's so necessary to have an "I don't fully understand" file. It reminds me of Nephi saying he doesn't understand the meaning of all things but he does know that God loves his children. That's exactly what you have conveyed with this post.

Danielle said...

You are an amazing writer my friend. I love this. I also have an I don't understand file. Sometimes I worry that it may be getting too thick.

Debbie and Boys said...

Thank you Kerri. :*)