Thursday, October 29, 2009

a little death

That's my picture of the day from the 22nd.

I'm still taking pictures.

But I'm having a hard time being grateful. I try, and I could write a cute little something every day, like the sunsets, the piano, the drawers that have nothing in them in the kitchen. But I don't feel like forcing the smile anymore. I recognize the spoiled-brattiness of it all, but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to find the joy.

Here's what I know.

We were supposed to move to this house. It was designed in the heavens. Why? I don't know. I sincerely, truly, honestly don't know.

But I know God is a loving Father. I know this. I have experienced washes of this love, time after time after time. I absolutely trust Him.

Except when I don't.

Everything still feels broken. Leaving my perfect piece of paradise shattered me more than I knew it would. And I knew it would. I knew there would be a mourning process, that losing everything so beloved and familiar would be like a little death. And yet somehow I thought I'd be strong through it all, that I'd be very very sad, but that I'd be strong.

Instead I am petty. I am angry. I am lost. I am worried. I am tired. I am so very very bone tired.

I thought I knew about endurance. I thought I knew about hanging on to the end. This is much harder. Now I know one of the reasons I was inspired to run that race was to understand that some things are hard for a long long long time. Sometimes the end is way farther away than you want it to be, than you need it to be. And somehow, somewhere the strength comes and you make it just that next step. Just that next block. Just that next mile.

The hard thing is that I see no finish line here. There's only the hope that taking on each hour will bring me closer to whatever joy there will be. And the hope that whatever strength I have is enough. I don't think it's enough. Not right now, anyway.

I keep running (when I can actually get out of bed) to the Shoreline Trail. When I'm on the trail, I feel the hand of God. I remember His work in my life.

And on the Trail, I can believe there will be joy again.

I think I believe it.

I'll work on believing it.

But forgive me if it takes a while to write my gratitude posts. They make me want to puke right now.

If you say it's always darkest before the dawn, I'll smack you.) (Or make you read more of my whining.) (And don't worry. I know it really IS darkest before the dawn.) (And I have already taken responsibility for being a brat, so you don't need to point that out, either. I have been very blessed, and I will be sure to be grateful for all of these blessings at the appropriate time.) (And you could say that moving to a new house doesn't really qualify as a real trial. I will agree with you, and point out that I DO know what real trials are like. This doesn't make me feel better, however.)

I am likely to regret posting this in the morning, as I do most things I do after 1:00 am.


Sibber said...

Oh Kerri... I'm sorry you are having trials. I looked through your blog at your past pictures... and i see your beautiful family! There is no end... thankfully. Each day is another day in how we use it. Your family is young and growing and that is your focus. It's not you, or what you need... it's what they need. It's hard to always be the giving one... I know. I've been there, still am and most all my kids are gone. But, if you focus on the things that matter most, not what you had, but what you learned from what you had, and look to the future... your family needs your bright smile, your talents, your love, your desires to see them happy and successful! THAT will bring you joy! The Lord has blessed you with so much! I'm in awe at your talents and skills and the beautiful person that you are! Learn what you can from the past, but ya have to move forward to progress and to be happy! I know it's hard right now. Change is hard. BUT.. you have made the change. Make it count. Jump into the future with both feet and make a difference in your families lives! They are such darling kids and a wonderful hubby! They are what will bring you the most joy and what this life is all about! Please don't slap me upside the head! :) I love you! I'm your biggest fan, forever! Sometimes we just need a little nudge at what life is all about and what matters most to us! Loose yourself in serving your family! I promise, the Lord will make it all worthwhile! I love you my dear! Hang in there! It's all going to work out just fine! And, your life will seem better in the morning... it always does! :) Good things are instore for you! Just hang in there! We all love you so much! YOU ROcK BABY GIRL!!!

Cousin Chris said...

Hang in there, Kerri. If it helps at all, go bang on that piano for me; that's the only thing that got me through some interminable spells.

Love, Chris

Danielle said...

I tried to think of something clever to say, but nothing came. Hang in there.

bri&mike said...

If you and Mom won't even tease you anymore.

bri&mike said...

If you and I won't even tease you anymore.

Lara said...

I just like that you're being honest and real with your feelings. Change is never easy. Even if you know it's the right thing, it just isn't in our natures to make such huge changes, especially when it's changing from something as wonderful as your old neighborhood was for you.

Hang in there! You'll know why someday, but until then just power through. :)

Megan said...

Moving is huge. I want to move way bad, but I'm terrified of the change and emotions, and the unknown. You are brave, and you are strong. I know it can take a long time (often what feels like WAY too long) to feel like you belong in a new place - but the feeling/fitting comes in time, in the right time. Hang in there. People love you, so keep a strong hold on "you", and pretty soon the people there will start to love you too, and you them.

Karin Webb said...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to copy and paste this whole entry into my own blog when we move. I know I'm leaving behind my own little paradise as well, and I'm really, really scared. But like you, we feel we're supposed to do this. Why? I wish I knew. Hang in there!!

Malisa said...

Oh Kerri, this makes me want to cry.

MBlairsLars said...

Kerry, sorry for barging in on your post....but, I hear you! This has been the hardest year of my life, moving, my husband's job change, losing my twin sister, having my Dad and Mother-in-law knocking on deaths door too many times, and the general economy. I too have a hard time being grateful, but I am. I know I am blessed, I know my Heavenly Father loves me and answers my prayers, but still I struggle. The one thing I keep holding onto is that 2010 has got to be better 2009. I am looking forward to January 1st!

Gaylene said...

Just know that you are loved!

Gaylene said...

Just know that you are loved!

Debbie and Boys said...

Come What May...And Love it. (read it.)
I get this in its depth. These words could have been my own.