There have been times in my life when I use the brain that God gave me and make plans. Big plans. Plans that make good sense, that could be argued in court to be the smartest and rightest choice for me and for those I love.
And then God tells me that He's got other plans for me.
Each time this has happened (and I'm thinking about three times in particular), I recognize the inspiration, but I throw fits. I try to argue with God, to explain my position, but we all know how THAT goes.
The first time was long ago and I won't talk much about it. Super personal and all that.
The second time was when we decided to have Ben.
And the third time was moving to this house.
The angst is real. Giving up my idea of what is right for my life is HARD. Trusting Heavenly Father shouldn't be hard, and yet, it is. To turn from the known to the unknown, to accept that the new choice will likely make my life more challenging, will stretch me in ways that hurt, to willingly give my life to God with the belief that He does, indeed know best...it's all very daunting.
And yet, looking back with this whole "hindsight is 20/20" thing, I recognize many of the Whys. I also see that just because I know that Heavenly Father is directing me in something doesn't mean it will be easy. Or manageable. Or fun. But eventually I'll know that it's right.
There were many very good reasons for us to not have a fourth baby. And even when I had received the prompting (the hit you over the head kind of prompting) that we needed to have a fourth, I tried to ignore it. David listened, though, and told me we could do it. It would be OK.
And it wasn't really OK. It was extremely, enormously hard. For most of the pregnancy and much of Ben's first year. I remember going to the temple and just begging Heavenly Father to make it easier. I tried to bargain: since it was all His idea, after all, couldn't he take away the trial of it and make it easier? The answer for THAT time was sadly, no. What he did, instead, was carry me when I was most overwhelmed and give me strength to continue when I didn't think I could. Life wasn't magically perfect. Somehow, though, even with the anxiety and the worry and the pain, we knew our decision was the right one. And we love Ben enormously. We truly can't imagine our lives without him. He is so so SO much fun. The pain, in the end, was absolutely worth it.
So when this house thing happened, I guess I was a little prepared for growing pains. I wasn't really prepared for the immensity of them.
I'm still feeling shell-shocked. It's all so unfamiliar and new, and there are some parts of my life that are undeniably hard. And yet, like maybe in a good arranged marriage, I'm learning that there are some wonderful surprises in my new house that are helping me fall in love. Since I had no expectations, everything positive is like a little gift. Here are the unexpected things I'm learning to love about my new life:
Fans in the bathrooms.
Plugs wherever I might need them. And they're all grounded!
The attached garage thing? Whatever I think about it architecturally (yuck), MAN are they wonderful in the winter.
The light-filled basement.
Jetted tub. I didn't think I'd care. And I do care.
Big ol' pantry and closets.
The light rising behind the mountains on my early runs.
The Bonneville Shoreline trail, of course.
Wonderful visiting teachers.
Josh's experience with the orchestra at SDJH and with scouting.
The many many coincidences that reassure me that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and this WAS planned by Him.
This isn't what I had planned, but I'm going to survive it. And I'll find the joy in it one step at a time. This is when the clay says to the Potter: do what You will. My life will be more beautiful in Your hands than it would have been with my weaker vision.