Thursday, April 8, 2010
Losing Two 4.8.10
I just tucked my two year old into bed. This is not unusual. I have done this most of the last 364 days.
But tonight was different. Tonight I had to say good-bye to my two-year-old. Tomorrow, when he wakes up, he will no longer be my two-year-old Ben. He will have morphed into a new boy, an older boy, a three-year-old Ben.
How do I handle losing Ben at two? He has certainly kept us running. There have been plenty of messes and plenty of nights that have ended with me thinking he had the best of me that day AND the worst of me. But... his kisses. His sweet snuggles. His sweet soft cheeks and beautiful eyes and blondie hair. His “Ho-ju me” when he wants to be held. His crackers and spray cheese for lunch. His sugar obsession. His asking for another story about “My Edra, my Cindy, my Blake, and my Dora the Splora” (who are his cousin Ezra, his friend Sidney, Josh’s friend Blake and of course Dora the Explorer). These have stitched him deeply into my heart.
Reaching each of his milestones has been bittersweet. The last times always sting. Nursing. The birthdays. The loss of the crib and the move into the big boy bed. Each time we reach another milestone, it’s a loss of one Ben, even at the gain of another.
But I suppose it’s time to look forward to three-year-old Ben. He’ll learn more of his letters and thrill to point them out to me. He’ll have more playdates and learn to love the wider world. He’ll start preschool.
Oh. I can’t go there. Not tonight. Not my last night with my last two-year-old. I hope he shows up at the side of our bed in the middle of the night (as he does almost every night) so that I can snuggle him up one last time.
And in the morning I’ll feel little arms around my neck, a little mouth kiss my cheek, and a little voice will say, “I love you, Mommy” and I’ll start getting to know three-year-old Ben. I’m sure he’ll make life just as wild and crazy, just as sweet, just as brilliant.
Oh, and just for kicks, this is how I found Kate when I went to kiss her goodnight.